You are everywhere! You make up around 50% of the other humans that I see in the world. At times you have felt like alien creatures that are beyond my scope of comprehension. At times I’ve desired your beauty, I've lied to you to get you into bed and even fought over you. Sorry about that!:-(.x
You see, as I went about my day, all I saw were women, being all beautiful and lovely and triggering my desire. I almost get why the burka is so popular. If only you were covered up! Then I could be free of my desire. No! Of course I don’t believe that! That's the one of the great shames of the world. It's for me(n) to deal with our desire not for you to change yourself so that our desire is not triggered. For me at least, and I know for other men too, it has, at times, been almost impossible to get on with my day. As a beautiful woman walks by, I’m drawn in. Totally transfixed by a vision of beauty as she passes.
What lay at the heart of my desire was my own need for beauty. My need to feel beautiful and express that beauty with sensual clothes. Colours that match and compliment and sometimes even clash. I feel quite emotional as I recall that feeling of wanting but being unable to have. Like standing outside the best toy shop in the land, looking at the window display of all the best and latest toys but sadly being barred from going in. And worst of all, not even understanding why I’m not allowed in. What did I do wrong that got me barred from this place?
Now as I walk through my day I still meet beautiful women but I’m no longer so drawn in. My desire for beauty is being expressed and not put on to you.
I met one such woman in the shop where I buy the metal fixings to join large timbers to metal beams. I've met her a few times before and this time she asks my advice about the length of some of the fixings that they make for loft conversions.
What I really want to say is that I love her dress. Not just her dress, I love her whole look. It's simple and functional (She works in a factory/shop/office!). Hunter wellies, black tights dark grey warm jersey dress and minimal makeup.
We finish the conversation about the metal work and the time comes for me to say what I really think.
"I hope you don’t mind me saying?" I feel almost sick with nerves.
“Saying what?” How can she know if she minds or not till I say something?
“Err! I really like your dress. I mean your look. I mean I really like your style, you look great!” I’m struggling. I’m blushing. And I realise that I’ve never paid a woman a compliment on her dress before. Outside of a relationship that is.
She is lovely “Thank you, that’s very kind,” she says. I think she knows she looks good. She's a confident, strong woman who runs the family business. Looking good maybe comes easily to her. Maybe not
“You make it look easy,” I say, not sure if that is a compliment or not. “I mean you look very natural”
“Thank you,” she says again “You know what the most important thing is, don’t you?” she asks. She’s then kind enough to answer her own question straight away so as not to leave me looking like I don’t know what the most important thing is. “A smile!” she says, beaming with one.
Of course it is! How could I have ever thought beauty had anything to do with anything else?
I have a tear in my eye as I pay for the things I’ve bought. A simple compliment puts paid to all the years of hiding my love of beauty. She is very gracious and I leave with a new sense of myself. A growing sense of what beauty is and is not. A sense of strength and vulnerability and openness. Very different from the strong, impenetrable, closed man I have at times been.
"Beauty is within the eye of the beholder," said Shakespeare I think. And he is partly right for without the eye of the beholder beauty cannot be seen. But beauty also is within the heart and soul of that which is beautiful. Beauty is clear, clever and confident. Beauty is honest and real and kind. Beauty is all around and now I am open to it Beauty is within me.
Thank you for reading this far. Please feel free to comment below because beauty is also a conversation.
Love and blessings
A Man in a Skirt